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STEP NINE in Mentally Preparing to Have your First Baby: Prepare yourself for working, or not working.

October 4, 2012
Introduction
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ImageMany women work up until their maternity leave starts, and for some it is the first extended leave from the workplace that they have ever experienced.  The idea of maternity leave – a paid holiday – sounds fantastic.  The idea of having at least three to six months off with your new baby sounds even better.  The reality, however, can be incredibly stressful.

Stressful?  Not working?  Don’t be silly, you might be thinking.

I would like you to imagine a normal working day.  How many people do you interact with?  How often do you need to shut the door to concentrate on something important?  Are you a pro-active person who gets satisfaction from completing your ‘To Do’ list?

Now imagine waking up thinking the same way, but by the end of the day you have not managed to meet up with anyone, the computer and phone have remained untouched and you have not done one thing on your ‘To Do’ list.  When baby first arrives this is fine, because everyone knows new mums are meant to lie back and do nothing.  After four or five weeks, however, you might feel a little differently.

Take this scenario: Baby is a couple of months old, your partner comes home from work as usual, looks at you and his precious baby lovingly and asks, ‘”So, what have you guys been up to today?”  “Nothing…” you think to yourself flatly.  We’ve slept.  I’ve changed some nappies, managed one load of washing and fed the baby so much my boobs feel like they’re about to fall off, but he doesn’t want to hear about that!  You shrug your shoulders, “Same old, same old!” you manage with a wry smile.  “Oh, so you didn’t manage to ring the gardener or buy the groceries?  Never mind darling, I’ll get a takeaway and maybe you’ll find time to call tomorrow,” he offers, supportively.  Meanwhile, you are feeling frustrated, exhausted and useless.  You start to look at yourself and make comparisons.  You think about the stimulating conversations you used to have, discussing exciting deals you were both working on, and how now you feel like you have nothing interesting to contribute.  How you used to meet him for drinks and dinner with friends after work and the fun you had together, knowing you could lie in bed all weekend if you wanted.  Now nights out seem more unrealistic than flying to the moon.  (At least you could probably take the baby to the moon with you!)  You remember how you used to organise everything at home and at work effortlessly, while keeping up with friends.  Now just one of those seems a struggle.

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It is an incredibly difficult time because you are drawn to this little bundle with the strongest instinct to protect and provide and yet often, muddled in are feelings of guilt and frustration which murky the whole picture.

Don’t worry, I’m here to tell you that all of these feelings are normal and that mental preparation can make a massive difference, allowing you to really enjoy this period of your life, instead of it being frustrating and stressful.

Mentally prepare yourself for what is about to hit you as much as you can.  How, you might ask?  Well, it simply involves thinking about how different your days will be and being ok with that, rather than battling against it.  With enough preparation, you should be able to really look forward to baby and the lull your life will take, rather than resent it.  No matter what stage of life you are in, try to fully immerse yourself in motherhood when it happens to you.  Having a baby in your arms, but wishing you were out on a Friday night or working on the latest big deal, is like living in a the perfect house in the worst location or having your dream job but hating everyone you work with.  The idea is fantastic, but before long you are miserable.

One of the first things to come to terms with is that most of us are control freaks.  Even if you are not when it comes to controlling other people, most people are when it comes to controlling themselves and their own time.  Having to let go of this can be very challenging, especially if you have not thought about it before it happens.  Secondly, the exhaustion can take its toll.  Not because it’s more difficult than what you’re used to, but because it’s different.  Instead of being exhausted from mentally or physically challenging work, often being stimulated by others in the workplace, you are exhausted from the lack of sleep, and your inability to have any time for yourself.  On top of all that, when you most need to rest, baby will probably need you – it’s just sod’s law!  It’s the inability to rest exactly when you want to, which can be the most challenging part.  Consequently most mums will agree that it is much more exhausting being a full-time mother, rather than going to an office every day.  If these facts are surprises for you when baby arrives, they can be very stressful.  Prepare for them and it is a lot easier.

The combination of just these two factors, without anything else, is enough to make many mothers want to go back to work.

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The argument about whether women should go back to work or not, now that Feminism has created so many opportunities and ‘equal rights’ for us, is something which I imagine will be with us forever.  If you are in the lucky position where you do not need to go back to work, and are undecided, I would advise you not to make any decisions before you have your baby.  When I was pregnant with my first, I expected to be back at work within six months, with a full-time nanny in tow.  By the time six months had passed, the idea of leaving my baby made me feel sick.  I was very lucky to be able to make that choice and I chose to stay at home.

If you know you are definitely going back to work, enjoy hanging out with baby 24/7 while it lasts!  You may take 3, 6 or 12 months off work.  Whatever it is, it’ll go by in a flash.  I understand that your partner will want ‘you’ back and probably feel a bit rejected particularly if you are breastfeeding, and of course it’s important to try and create a balance in your life.  However, it’s impossible to be everything to everyone.  Be where your heart draws you, communicate well with your partner, make him understand what your needs are, and try to listen to his.

Many women who want to stay at home get caught up in their frustration.  If you are one of these, please try to search within yourself for a possible solution, so that you can have the best of both worlds.  If being with your children is possible financially and is something you enjoy, you and your children will benefit so much the more you can be with them.

If you want to be at home but don’t know what to do outside of your existing career, try to think of this time as an opportunity.  Pregnancy has allowed you to break from your work.  It is the only time when you can have a break and no one asks any questions, so make the most of it!  Use it as a chance to have a go at something different or pick up a hobby you loved when you were younger or you haven’t had time for since you’ve been working.

No matter how much you love your newborn, everyone needs time for themselves.  Everyone!  Some women feel guilty if they have the urge to spend some time away from their children.  DON’T!  No matter how much we love them, we all need time for ourselves.  I knew I wanted to be at home with my baby, but having had my own business, the feelings of frustration, which I mentioned at the beginning of this blog where very prevalent for me and I knew I also needed something else.  My job to date had been as an independent, self-employed film producer, which I couldn’t see myself doing successfully, part-time.  So instead I started writing and researching the development of the human brain, from the womb, throughout childhood and into adulthood.  I not only found it fascinating, it made me understand how my child’s brain was developing and why they find so many things frustrating as they grow, as their bodies are capable of more than their minds.  It was what led me to start writing these blogs, two years later.

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If your existing career is not something you can do part-time or from home, or if you want to change your career path, it can be very hard to think of what else might stimulate you. Keep your eyes and ears open to anything that appeals to you, or is suggested to you.  Be open to new ideas and think about what you love to do.  The latter stages of pregnancy, particularly when it’s uncomfortable to move, can be a very good time to think about what you really enjoy doing and what you think might work as a part-time job or new career which you can fit around your children. Thinking about what you like to do when you are relaxing is a good start.  It might be something as basic as reading or writing, talking to people, laughing or eating.  It doesn’t matter what it is, but if you can identify the number one thing you enjoy, try to think of doing something which includes that in some way.  The happier you are, the happier everyone is around you.

What I find amazing is when parents find a new lease of life, working or creating in a totally different way from anything they have done before.  For example, I am about to launch a Children’s Charity called Boo Bods, bridging the gap between creativity as a hobby and a career.  Now, if I was still embroiled in the film industry I doubt very much if I would be doing this and already we are helping people.  It feels fantastic.

With part-time work, however, comes the need to be very organised with your time, so that there is over-all harmony and balance in your life.

Balance is incredibly difficult and something I am constantly reassessing in my life to try and get right.  Children like clear boundaries and when you work part-time they are constantly asking whether you are working today or not.  However, children are very adaptable and I think it probably affects us (with the guilt that we are not giving enough time to them!), more than it affects the children.

What I have found key is to make sure that when I am working, I am working, and when I am with the kids, I am with the kids.  This is relevant whether you work full-time or part-time.  Again, it’s about clear boundaries.  It’s easy for the children to learn (even if they don’t want to!) that when mummy is working, you don’t disturb her.  However, asking them to be quiet for 10 minutes while mummy quickly finishes an email or a phone call is a lot more difficult.  If I try and squeeze in a bit of work when it’s my days with the kids, the result is usually that I don’t do the jobs as well as I could and everyone is frustrated.  Of course, having full days to yourself may not be a financial option for you, and in that case, you’ll become a master of grabbing the minutes when they are distracted or asleep, but it’s tricky to feel truly fulfilled when that’s all the time you can muster.

If you can, try asking for help, so that you get the time you need.  If you start to feel suffocated by the lack of ‘you’ time, do something about it before it really starts to have a negative impact on you.  See my previous blog, STEP SEVEN in Mentally Preparing to Have your First Baby: Prepare yourself to be able to ask for help & to take time for yourself.  You’ll be surprised how many people want to help you out if you ask them.  Keep a note of anyone who offers to babysit, so you and your partner can go to the movies one night, or anyone who is around in the day and can give you a couple of hours.  If I don’t make a note, I can never think of who to ask when I really need someone!

You are about to HAVE A BABY!  The joy you will bring each other, the laughter, the cuddles…  There are too many wonderful moments to even start.  They can bring you contentment and fulfilment in one.  They can make you have real perspective and look at life in a totally different way – if you let them.  Like with everything in life: the more you put in, the more you will get out.

For some people, a life full of children keeps them busier and happier than any full-time job.  Others find being at home does not suit them, or their financial situation makes their decision for them, and they go back to full-time work.  As I always say: you must do what works for you, be happy with your decisions and make the most of every day, no matter where you are or who you are with.

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STEP SEVEN in Mentally Preparing to Have your First Baby: Prepare yourself to be able to ask for help & to take time for yourself.

June 13, 2012
Introduction
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I am not alone in believing that Nature never intended for women to raise their babies on their own.  There are modern day accounts of African women who were brought up in a tribe-like environment and breastfed by one of several lactating women within their extended family.  I believe that we were meant to share all parts of child rearing.

Modern day mothers can often feel exhausted by the daily exertions of bringing up one or more children.  They can experience trouble with breastfeeding and find it hard to juggle all areas of their lives.  Why is child-rearing so much more stressful for us than our mammalian relatives?  The Gorilla, the closest to us, lives in closely-knit communities who work together in a family unit.  It is the same with most animals, and yet the human being, who is meant to be at the top of the food chain, often thinks that if they can’t manage on their own, they are a failure.  In fact this is a new phenomena mainly concentrated in the big cities.  If we look at our history, the importance of the family unit has been very strong. The advent of easily accessible, affordable methods of transport, and careers for women outside of the home, however, have changed this for a lot of people.  With women’s need to feel self-fulfilled and financially independent, many of us have moved away from home and cut ourselves off from our most important resource of support and security: family.  I envy those of my friends whose parents are at hand to babysit on demand, and love having their grandchildren to stay.  To have the odd night of uninterrupted sleep, and the freedom to explore your own interests without having to fork out money every time you leave the house, would be so liberating.

However, I think modern day perception has become distorted.  It seems fine to have grandma over every day to look after the kids, all the way up to teenage years, but a nanny?  Well, that can be seen as an unnecessary extravagance.  Unless parents go to work, surely they are more than capable?  And yet working parents have time to themselves every day, on their commute to and from work, at lunch, or just time at their desk, without being demanded upon by their kids.  So when are stay-at-home parents, whose families aren’t at hand, meant to have some time to themselves?  Luckily it is very acceptable to send your child to nursery school.  This is perhaps because children enjoy the companionship of other kids their age, learn simple skills and are introduced to learning, away from their parents in a safe and happy environment.  Yet this ‘acceptability’ does not sit comfortably with me.

There is nothing wrong with a parent wanting to look after their children on their own.  In fact I embrace it 100%, and do it myself.  But I need a bit of time for me, as well, and I don’t have family around the corner who I can call upon – I know I am not alone.  Being a full-time mum is wonderful but it is also exhausting, and we have no holidays.  What people without kids consider a holiday, parents see as great fun but relentless, because without school or nursery we get no time off.  What doesn’t help is that we can also be martyrs, insisting on doing everything ourselves; and of course there are the financial restrictions, which means paid help is not an option for everyone.  The result can be that we can forget about what’s important to us.

Once women have children, especially if family members or willing close friends are not around to offer help, their own interests can go by the wayside.  They forget about what they used to love doing, and do not prioritise their intimate relationships because it all costs too much money in childcare.  It can be hard to justify expensive help to sit on the sofa and read a book, have a snooze, go swimming or watch your favourite film.  Many people would feel guilty and most of their friends would probably frown upon it (weirdly, especially those who are also mothers).  It is so wrong.

If you were asked, “Who do you think is the happier and healthier person: someone who looks after themselves, works hard but also makes sure they relax and does something for themselves at least twice a week; or someone who works hard, is always tired, never has a moment to themselves and feels guilty because they have a short temper?” which one would you choose?  So many mothers I know would put themselves in the latter category, and yet, you write it on paper and pose the question in this way, and you’d think you were working for some tyrannical boss!

Ladies, (or gentlemen!) if you are the main carer of your child, TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK.  If you are reading this as pregnant mother-to-be, mentally decide NOW to do this.  We are NOT MEANT TO DO THIS ALL ON OUR OWN!  Weeks or even months can go by before you suddenly realise how frazzled you are, from tiredness and a sudden lack of personal identity.  People would probably advise that if you even start to feel this way, make time for yourself immediately.  I say, make time for yourself, BEFORE you feel this way!  Don’t forget the impact hormone imbalance will have on you when you give birth.  If you feel happy in yourself, emotionally you’ll be more balanced, and balance is one thing which everyone strives daily to achieve.  Parents find it particularly difficult because they are always putting their children first.  As a pregnant woman, you can mentally prepare for this and promise yourself, that for the good of you, your child and your partner, you will endeavour to keep up with the things you really enjoy.  If you don’t have family at hand, and financial restrictions mean you can’t pay for help, try asking friends, you might be surprised how many of them would love to look after your baby.  If that is not an option for you, talk to your local health advisor or social worker.  The Community is there to help you, you don’t have to be alone.

You can also do a surprising amount with your baby.  Newborns are very mobile and sleep a lot.  As they get a bit older, it can be a bit more tricky to take them out and about, depending on how good they are at sleeping ‘on the run’.  So make the most of it while you can, if this is something which is important to you.  My husband and I are quite sociable people and love to travel.  So, when our first was tiny, we travelled a lot and accepted invitations whenever we could take him with us (breastfeeding does tie you to baby!).  By getting him ear-protectors[1] we could even take him to gigs or music events which allowed children.  A lot of people like to slow down and not socialise as much when they have kids, which is fantastic if that suits you, but if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.

Live your life and be happy.  Your kids will be happy just to be with you.

And remember: if you do feel lonely, isolated or frustrated, reach out for help.  We are not meant to do this alone and isolation with a newborn baby can bring on depression.  It is important to acknowledge how you are really feeling rather than putting on a brave face, because if you don’t, eventually the whole deck of cards will come tumbling down.  Look after yourself, do things for yourself, and remember, every now and again, to put yourself first.

Tiffany Newton

Follow me on Twitter @TiffNewt

[1] Peltor Kids Ear-Protectors. http://www.peltorkids.co.uk

STEP THREE in Preparing Mentally for Having Your First Baby: Feeding: for most it’s not comfortable or easy! Be relaxed and take your time.

March 22, 2012
Introduction
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This gallery contains 7 photos.

Prepare for the possibility that breastfeeding may not happen easily,  immediately or at all.  The key is to try and be as relaxed as possible with baby and take your time. When baby is born, one of the first things you are encouraged to do is get baby onto your breast.  Most mothers expect it …

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STEP TWO in Preparing Mentally for Having Your First Baby: Know yourself and listen to baby to work out what works best.

March 12, 2012
Introduction
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Congratulations, baby has arrived!  Have a breather and a few minutes to yourself if you need them and then, when you and baby are ready, try to get him on the breast.  It’s a wonderfully bonding thing if you can manage it.  Don’t worry if he finds it difficult, though, he’s got a lot going on!  Also, it’s worth considering that it may not happen for you.  No matter how many times we read ‘breast is best’, the fact is breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone.  If you are one of these women do not feel guilty about it.  Preparing mentally for the possibility of this helps enormously.  Look at the thousands of children running around who were brought up on formula milk and are thriving!  Enough of that for now, however, feeding is the topic of my next blog.

So, baby has just been born and until now, he has had everything done for him: oxygen and nutrition on tap via the umbilical cord, and 24/7 comfort and warmth in your belly.  Suddenly, he has to breath by himself, feed himself and when you are not next to him, he misses your smell and your warmth.  Remember he is an external foetus for the first three months of his life[1].  There is no thought process.  He’s just surviving and you are all that is familiar to him.  He does not even realise that he is his own person separate from you until he is about 6 months old.

When I realised all of this, it made me a lot more relaxed, and gave me a lot more patience with the first few days and weeks of my first son’s life.  And most importantly, I knew that we were learning together.  I hope it’ll be the same for you, because the more relaxed you are, the more relaxed he will be.

  • Prepare for the feeling of not knowing what you are doing or where to start!  Don’t expect too much from yourself on day one and let you and your baby learn together.

Neither of you know what to expect on day one, and that’s ok.  Twenty years ago or more, if you didn’t have an experienced friend, maternity nurse or family member nearby, you had very little access to knowledge, so you had to rely on your instincts.  What you must believe is that the best mother and carer for your baby is you.

Don’t worry that you don’t have the experience.  Sure it gives you the confidence that you know what you are doing, but if you mentally prepare to embark on this journey, listening to your baby and learning what he is communicating to you and when, you will learn so fast, that very soon you’ll be full of confidence.  Experience gives you the knowledge of little things which you pick up along the way and do help, but remember every baby is different, so even the most experienced mother has to get to know a newborn from scratch.  What I’m trying to say is, have the confidence to go with your instincts and know what is right for you and your baby.

If you have had a natural birth and both you and baby are healthy and well, all you have to worry about is making sure your baby feeds (breast or formula), sleeps and is clean.  If your baby finds it difficult to feed or sleep, then help is at hand, and I’ll talk more about that in future blogs, but remember everyone was inexperienced once and they just learned on the job, like you will.

  • Do what works for you and your baby, and if it doesn’t suit you, change it.

We are all different, so what worked for me, may not work for you.  I have never enjoyed rigid structure, and so a strict routine did not work for me.  However, it does work for a lot of people.  What’s important is you really think about the kind of person you are before you have the baby, rather than just listening to your friends.  It’s not about them.  It’s about you and your baby.  Also, if you think one way will suit you and it doesn’t, change it.  Just like your birth plan, it doesn’t always work out as you expect!

Everyone suggested a strict routine to me when I was pregnant with my first.  I tried it and after two weeks I knew it wasn’t for me.  I listened to people’s advice and thought this was the way it had to be in order to be the best mum I could be.  When baby obviously wasn’t happy, I found it incredibly stressful.  I doubted myself.  I thought other experienced mothers should know more than me, as I was so new to all of this!  However, baby and I were not happy, so I ditched the routine.  The moment I changed to feeding on demand and carrying my baby everywhere, with no strict sleep times, both of us couldn’t have been happier.  The amount of women I know who battle with routine or a particular way of doing things, which doesn’t suit them or their baby, resulting in a baby who cries a lot, breaks my heart.

Just as every adult is different, with a different personality, so it stands to reason that every baby will be different.  Just like adults, though, every baby likes to sleep and eat and be clean, we just all do it in slightly different ways.  Your job as mum is to find out which way suits you and your baby best.

My experience:

Sure there are little tips to help you sooth him, which people pick up along the way, but in my experience (and I can only talk about what I did), if you replicate the environment of the womb you’re more than half way there.

  • Replicating the environment of the womb soothes and calms your baby.

So what is the womb like?  It’s cosy, which is why swaddling works for many babies (my first loved it, but my second hated being restricted from day one and screamed if I swaddled him).  It’s dark, so don’t worry about your baby being afraid of the dark (this is something they learn with the help of TV and older kids!).  It’s very, very noisy, which is why people encourage the use of white noise to help babies sleep, or a loud ‘shhhing’ sound.  If you want to know more, check out Dr. Harvey Karp’s book, ‘The Happiest Baby on the Block’.  He is able to sooth any baby by using what he calls the 5 “S’s”.  These include swaddling (replicating the tight space of the womb), swinging (replicating the movement baby felt while in the womb), and shhhing (replicating the noise in the womb).  Harvey Karp says that the inside of the womb sounds like 3 vacuum cleaners going off at the same time.  He has gathered a lot of his insight from the ¡Kung Sun (or African bushmen) whose babies are incredibly content.  As Harvey Karp puts it, “it’s not that they never cry – it’s that they never CRY!”  How do they achieve this: they hold their babies 24 hours a day (in arms and in slings), feed their babies on demand, and usually respond to their babies’ cries within seconds[2] .  Having also read ‘The Continuum Concept’ by Jean Liedloff[3] this all made perfect sense to me[4].  Her book’s sub-heading is ‘In Search of Happiness Lost’, as she believes that modern society has introduced ways of child-rearing which have broken some of the essential bonds between mother and baby which the 24 hour ‘in-arms’ way of child-rearing seals.

Both books are very interesting reads, but I understand these methods are not for everyone.  What both have in common, however, is they write about how women in the developing world have very contented babies who do not suffer from colic, and I think there is a lot to be said for that.  Modern day society is not the same as living in a rain forest, and so obviously certain things that work there, do not work here.  However, there are ways in which we can make baby feel ‘at home’ while being more aware of his needs, responding quickly to them, and you don’t have to be tied to the house, either!

  • Slings help enable you to be active while carrying your baby and enhance the bond between you and baby.

I love slings!  Many women want to be active but also want to have their babies on them.  If this is you, consider using one.  Millions of women round the world carry their babies in this way and have done since anyone can remember.  There is nothing new about sling wearing.  In many cultures it’s been tried and tested for generations, carrying their babies while they work or complete every day tasks; and the verdict is unanimous: it works!

I bought all of my slings from Maverick Baby[5].  They try out a lot of the slings on the market, distribute the best ones, and offer personal consultations to help you get to grips with wearing them.  This is incredibly important as there is a real knack with sling wearing, which until you fathom it, makes them seem unbelievably complicated.  They are not, but you do have to invest the time to get to grips with them.  What the sling has over other carrying contraptions, is the way they distribute baby’s weight over your shoulders and across your back, so that you don’t get sore, can carry your baby for much longer periods of time and until they are much heavier.  If you have two babies quite close together, carrying your newborn means you don’t have to worry about double prams.  I only learned about them in time for my second baby and they transformed my experience in every way[6].

Good luck in finding the way which works for you and your baby.  I wish I had thought a little bit more about it before my first baby was born.  You can!

Tiffany Newton

[2] ‘The Happiest Baby on the Block’, Dr. Harvey Karp, M.D. (Bantam Trade Paperback, 2002), p.84.

[3] Da Capo Press, 1977.

[4] Jean had spent time in Venezuela in the upper Caura River basin, near the Brazilian boarder, in what was known as the “impenetrable” rain forest, with the Yequana and Sanema tribes.

[6] I started off with a ring sling, which meant baby could lie in a foetal position while I did household chores, played with my other son, walked the dog, you name it.  When baby was a bit bigger we moved onto the wrap, which I still use today (he is 10 months old!).  I have to admit it took me a while to be able to feed on the run, because baby needed help latching on and staying on my breast for weeks and weeks.  Once we cracked that, however, it meant no matter where I was, or what I was doing, if baby was hungry, a slight readjustment of the wrap and he was feeding and happy again.

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STEP ONE in Preparing Mentally for Having Your First Baby

February 23, 2012
Introduction
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STEP ONE in Preparing Mentally for Having Your First Baby:

Prepare Yourself for

the Ordeal of Labour and

Your Immediate Feelings for Baby

 

From the moment you announce your pregnancy, people congratulate, enthuse and excite about the impending new arrival.  Meanwhile, you worry about your expanding waistline or the extra large pants you are forced to buy!

“Pregnancy might not be very comfortable, but it doesn’t matter, soon it will all be behind you, and have been so worthwhile.”  You smile grimly, thanking them for the comfort, while you change yet another blouse soaked through with sweat.

“All you have to get through now”, they continue, “is labour”, as if it’s the same as buying the groceries.  You listen, reassured, counting the moments before you will, at last, meet your bundle of love and joy.  The reality, however, can be rather more complicated.

It is true that for some, once baby arrives, nothing else matters.  Their perspective in life is clear, life takes on a deeper meaning and they find a new inner happiness.  For others, it is the beginning of a life-changing journey, which may have some very difficult moments.  The more mental preparation you are able to do for yourself, the easier you can make your journey.

  • Prepare for the ordeal of labour.

I’m here to share the reality of labour, rather then looking at it through rose-tinted spectacles.  The point is, YOU CAN NOT PREDICT YOUR LABOUR, even with your second child.  I thought I’d know what to expect.  Nope!  My experiences were completely different.

My first labour was on and off for 2 days, with full-on labour (minute and a half contractions, every minute) for 19 hours, and my waters only broke 45 minutes before he arrived.  First time, labour is often longer.  It is as if your body is learning what to do, the pain escalating gradually.  After hours of labour, once baby arrived, my body was flooded with adrenaline, which lasted for months.  I felt amazing.  Luckily my yoga teacher, Lolly Stirk, http://www.lollystirk.co.uk/ told me what was happening and to slow down before it all wore off.  Thankfully I listened to her because otherwise, after about 4 months, I might have fallen flat on my face with sudden, unexplained exhaustion.

My second labour was over in just over 6 hours, start to finish, with full-on labour only 1 hour 45 minutes, once my waters broke.  The incremental increase in pain with each contraction was massive, because I no longer had the cushion of my waters, but also because it was all happening so quickly.  My body obviously knew what it was doing this time and didn’t hang around, although quick labours are much more intense!  It was over so quickly that I didn’t have that amazing flood of adrenaline like last time – gutting!  I also experienced post-baby pains when feeding – yikes!  Wasn’t expecting that one!  You don’t normally experience any pain when baby breastfeeds after birth with your first, but with your second (and apparently it just gets worse with each baby), the uterus contracting with each feed (to get it back into shape) is such agony you may need pain killers.

Most women will agree that no labour is the same.  They’ll also tell you, that when it comes to number two, and thereafter, you hardly even have a birth plan!  Of course you must decide where you’d like to give birth (at home, a birth centre, or which hospital), and whether you want the baby to be born in water for example; but all of your choices are made in the knowledge that you cannot control your labour.  With this in mind, take it into consideration when planning for the arrival of number one.  Make all the preparations you need to make you feel comfortable but what is key is that you focus on the safe and healthy arrival of baby, rather than the smaller details.

  • Don’t be afraid of labour.

People do not talk openly about the horrors of labour because they do not want to scare expectant mothers.  I understand that, but without openness and honesty, how can you prepare for the possibility of being in labour for hours and hours and hours on end?  It may not happen to you, but it also might, and you should be ready for that.

  • Don’t be scared of labour pain, prepare for it.

No matter which way you look at it, labour is painful and is likely to be worse than any pain you have experienced before.  I tell you this not to scare you, but so that you can prepare calmly for what is about to happen.  It can be far more stressful, having planned for a natural birth, to realise after a few hours, that you just don’t know how you are going to deal with this.  Mental preparation can give you the ability to deal with anything.  How do you, as an individual, deal with pain best?  Ask yourself this important question and answer it truthfully.  Does music and candlelight relax you?  If so prepare this environment for when labour starts at home, at the very least.  Everyone is different and no matter how radical it might seem, go with what you think will work.

Labour is pain CREATED by your own body, so it can deal with it.  You can deal with it.  But if you are not equipped with ways to control that pain, especially over prolonged periods of time, it might be more difficult.

The following really helped me:

  • Practices such as yoga[1] (yogic breathing was key to both of my births) and HypnoBirthing (just reading about this was helpful, even though I didn’t end up using it, although I know plenty of people who have done very successfully – some swear that they don’t feel any pain)
  • Perineum massage.  I’m sure it gave me an extra inch in diameter, and in labour every millimetre counts!
  • Devices like TENS machines.  It was a God send first time round, to help deal with this new pain which was more intense than I had expected.  Second time I didn’t bother, confident it would all happen much faster – I was right!
  • Herbal ointments to bath in at home once labour starts to calm you and relieve pain (visit Neal’s Yard Remedies).
  • Water is a natural anaesthetic.  Having a bath at home to help with the early contractions and giving birth in water can really help.  With my first pregnancy being in water really helped with labour, but after many hours, I was advised to get out as everything was taking too long.  I ended up having my son standing up a few hours thereafter.  With my second, labour happened too quickly to be in water, accept for right at the end where we gave birth!
  • Exercise.  With my first baby, I walked the dog for hours when my contractions started.  It helped distract me and they say it helps move the baby down faster.  (After 19 hours of full-on labour, though, I was slightly doubting this, but hey, I guess it could have gone on another 4 hours!)

No matter which way you dress it ladies, labour is painful, so get ready.  Mentally.

There is nothing to be scared of.  I gave birth without any drugs (not even gas and air) both times and even though it was painful, I would do it all again drug free.  Why, you might ask?

  • I wanted to be in control of my body at all times, and be able to feel the baby come out.
  • If you can not feel when to push, relying on the midwife to tell you, you can tear more.
  • Bruising and backache can result from where the anaesthetist puts the needle in your back, which can take weeks to disappear.
  • An epidural can slow down your contractions, extending labour.
  • Your recovery can be longer.
  • Within a couple of days you forget the pain – which is why we go through all of this more than once!
  • Research says it is the least traumatic way, for your baby, to bring him into the world.
  • Expect to be exhausted and in discomfort afterwards.

Rest as much as you can.

Sleep when baby sleeps.  Everyone always tells pregnant women this and they never listen!  By the time you have your second, if you go again, you’ll wish you could sleep more but may not be able to because of number one running around.  Make the most of being able to while you can.  Sleep heals all wounds.

Walk as little as you can until you are totally healed.  Check out http://www.nctshop.co.uk/Postnatal-Recovery-Health/products/8/

I used the Healing Herbal Bath sachets after both my births to help heal minor grazing and I was back to normal within 10 days.

  • Don’t worry if it doesn’t go to plan – it probably won’t!

Women set their hearts on giving birth in a particular place, in a particular way.  It can be incredibly disappointing if you are set on having a totally natural birth, for example, but you are forced to have an epidural or a c-section.

Don’t dwell on it.  It’s over.  Prepare yourself mentally for the fact that nothing is in your control and that it may all be very different from how you expect.  The important thing once baby is safely in your arms, is to focus on him, and be joyful that he arrived safely.  Congratulate yourself – you survived labour!  You are amazing!  Well done!  Nothing else matters.  At last, after all those months of incubating your little one, you are together.  Enjoy!

  • Prepare for the possibility of not feeling overwhelming emotion towards your new baby.

It is worth considering that there may not be an immediate, overflowing feeling of love when you first see or hold your baby.  If this is the case for you, don’t worry and don’t feel guilty.  It is like this for many women and remember baby is still just an external foetus[2].  Some fathers can find it particularly difficult to bond with their new off spring in the first few months, before there is any interaction.  With time, as baby grows, bonds develop and become stronger and stronger.  Also, consider what you have just been through: labour.  It’s the most amount of pain and stress the body will ever put itself through – and you survived!  You deserve a medal!  It is natural that after such an ordeal you might be surprised by your emotions and feeling, and of course, your hormones will still be all over the place!  Good old hormones, where would we be without them?!

  • Be as relaxed as possible once he is born, allowing yourself the time to recover and to let the feelings grow naturally.

Finally, remember that babies are incredibly robust little things and they too, have just survived labour.  So if you need a break, he’ll be just fine without you for a few minutes.  Once you have given birth and have laid baby on your chest, to make that initial contact outside the womb, give baby to your partner, if need be.  I did!  Have a shower and lie back for a few minutes.  After all that, you deserve a break and a moment to yourself to catch your breath!  When you are ready you can take up your little angel and put him against your breast, but there is plenty of time.

  • Get help if you need it.

We are not meant to be doing all of this alone and if you need help after the birth, ask for it, without any feeling of guilty.  What is important is that you can rest and concentrate on baby.  NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

Additional Tip:

  • Make sure you take all your supplements during pregnancy.  Your baby will take all it needs from you in the womb and if you don’t have sufficient to sustain yourself as well, deficiency can contribute to more severe baby blues or post-natal depression.
Tiffany Newton

P.S.

When a male friend of mine asked me what to expect, days before their first child was due, I said, “That you will never be your wife’s priority again.”  Remember this ladies, it is all a massive ordeal for you, but initially it can be an incredibly isolating experience for them.

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[1] Lolly Stirk is amazing.  Anyone who has been trained by her recommends her: http://www.lollystirk.co.uk/

[2] External foetus?  It might sound a bit strange, but for the first three months of their lives, that is what your baby is.  The reason why we do not give birth after a year when they are more physically formed, is we couldn’t give birth to a child that large without killing ourselves.  Thus the baby has to finish his development in our arms, rather than our bellies.  Remember this when considering their behaviour in the first few months: there is no thought process, only instinct and survival.